Listen, things are going to get real for a minute or three.
If your not up for my meltdown thats about to happen, leave for now.
But please come back when whats said, is said...
On another note: THIS ISN'T a PITY ME post. This is me, getting this off my chest, simply because my kids don't understand and my husband is currently at work doing something that involves not answering his desk phone or cell. So yes, you, that chose to stick around for this...are hearing it instead.
So with that said...
I've realized staying at home 24-7 has really taken its toll on me. Mentally and physically. Someday's I don't even breathe the fresh air or feel the sun on my cheeks. In the past two weeks I've never felt more drained, exhausted, and completely frazzled. I almost feel like I have lost all sense of what patience is. I know there are lots of you that would do ANYTHING in their ENTIRE world to be where I am and to have what I have. I get that, I really do. But I can't say Im sorry to you for being real, for writing this down, that wouldn't be fair to me.
Sometimes I feel like I'm taken for granted. That my only purpose for the day is to make sure the house is cleaned and dinner is cooked. That the kids are fed, bathed and put to bed. Sometimes it feels like I've lost myself. I find myself asking, who are you, when did the girl who used to be in total control over her feeling and emotions leave?? I am not saying Hubbs doesn't do his share, because he does. He is an amazing Husband and Father, but he also has something, that right now I could only dream of. He has his break away from the 2 beautiful children we made, who in the last two weeks have screamed, cried, fought, and whined more than they have in their entire exsistence. I pray every night that I will wake up and God will have given me paitence I need to make through the day. But the more I pray for this, the less paitence I feel like I have.
Before you judge me and tell me how rotten of a mother I am for feeling this way, leave. Because I don't need your judgement, I don't need your comments about how I should be grateful for having children at all.. Because I am grateful, I truly am. Im also only 1 person, who feels very overwhelemed at the moment...
My head feels like it could explode. My mind is so loud all the time. Last night it was like the volume in my head was turned to it's loudest, I completely broke down. I ran to my room and had one of those overly dramatic crying moments where I threw myself onto my bed, dug my head into my pillow and boo whoo'd like a baby. I was crying so loud, I almost felt stupid after stopping. But it's like everything that I have felt like screaming about in the last two weeks, finally escaped with the tears. Sounding like a fool or not, I felt better.
But today was worse than yesterday...my head is STILL SO LOUD. Why? I feel like screaming, again. And instead of taking it out on my pillow this time, my phone rang twice. 2 of my bestest got to hear this, who are Moms and who understand...sometimes you can only take so much in and let so much go.
Im not perfect nor do I try to be. I know that being a Mother wasn't going to be a walk in the park, nor do I believe it is now. I do try to be more understanding and paitent all at the same time, but lately thats not been working out for me so well. I love my life and Im entirely without a doubt a 100% happy and thankful for what I have been so blessed to have. I know it seems I don't, but I promise I do. I couldn't breathe without my children. They amaze me.
I've learned everything isn't always perfect as it looks on the outside. Because even though I show a smiling face, I've been fighting back the tears. My life isn't anywhere near to perfect, but it is amazing. But it goes to show even though its amazing, doesn't mean you don't have things to deal with, stress and everyday worries. I guess some of us are just better at not exposing it.
Everyone has their breaking point. I guess I just hit mine.
This weekend we are going home to visit our family and mainly because {Hubbs Brother and Family} Lee, Paulina, Joaquin and the newest addition to the family, Little Miss Ida Mae are down from NYC. I really needed this weekend away, I need all the hugs I can get from my family, I need to laugh with them and just enjoy being in that moment.
“It takes more courage to reveal insecurities than to hide them, more strength to relate to people than to dominate them, more 'manhood' to abide by thought-out principles rather than blind reflex. Toughness is in the soul and spirit, not in muscles and an immature mind.”
-Alex Karras-
