June 29, 2009

The Begining Of Me.

Born to Sylvia and Brad Chapman, I was born into a world of chaos and confusion, but I soon figured out who I was and what dreams are made of! After being sold, yes sold... back and forth to my Great Aunt and Uncle for drug money, finally when I was 3.5 weeks old my Aunt and Uncle were granted Custody of me until my Biological parents could clean their acts up, that never happened, so a blessing in disguse if you will, atomatically happened.

I was raised in Royal, Alabama with 2 of the most LOVING people ever, Jimmy and Jerry Little. It was like a dream, a fairytale, I had so many people who loved me and I couldn't have been spoiled enough, Daddy's little girl, Momma's little Angel. Brought into a family with 6 other brother and sisters wasn't always the funnest for me, jealousy was a big issue, but hey I was alive and happy. Growing up, I was the center of attention, ADHD had A LOT to do with it. I was different from all of them, hyper and outgoing!

As I grew up, I come to realize I had another part to me, that was missing, and it wasn't my biological parents, it was a sister, Amanda. Different father's, Same Mother. She lived with My grandfather and was soon adopted by her new parents Jim and Sheree' Grose. Being that we lived in 2 totally different places, we never really seen much of each other. When we did it was usually on Birthday Parties or Holiday get together's and some throughout the summer. She lived a completly different life than I did. She was the "good grandchild" and I was treated as "The Outcasted One". My grandfather didn't try to hide his favortism for her and completly normal, I was jealous, hurt and confused as to why his love for her was stronger than his love for me.

Our Biological mother, Sylvia, made attempts to see us on occasion, usually our birthday parties, and she would always be intoxicated or completly stoned. At the end of the parties before Amanda or I left, she would always force us, and yes I say force, to hug and to say I love you to one another. My mother's childhood wasn't the best, she was also jealous of her sister, because of the love her sister was showered with from my grandfather. She was beaten, battered and betrayed by her father, my grandfather, and my sister wonders why she turned out the way she did. Why her descisions were so horrible, she was just screaming for a little attention. She lived a life none other than the life of Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. So of course my mother only wanted my sister and I to love each other unconditionally, to replace what she didn't have with her very own sister, I now understand my mothers unselfish love.

Growing up and telling this very confusing story, Ive come to realize, that without my mother's love, I wouldn't have the life I've lived. She gave us away to people she knew could provide for us and love us. Keep us out of harms way, and that is what love is. My mother died when I was 11 from HIV and Cirrhosis of the Liver. She was a drug addict and alcoholic. But within her heart, was a beautiful person, screaming to be set free and weeks before she passed, I watched my mother give her life to Jesus Christ. It was an amazing experience for me, it comforts me to know my mother is One out of a many angels watching over me. My mother's death wrote a lesson that was engraved into my mind from then, till now, a picture in my mind, that I wish I could forget but then sometimes Im glad I have it to hold on to. Seeing my mother at the age of 36 laying in a coffin, suddenly changed my life, I seen what could happen if I let the drug and alcohold take over my life, I vowed from that day, to steer away and not become one of those statistics.

So on with my confusing story, before my mother passed I went through a stage of depression and starvation. I was anorexic and screaming for something more than love, I was fighting for self acceptence. I've been up and Ive been down. But I overcame this disease, finally when I was 14. Being a teenage girl, of course I knew it all and I was right all the time, but just this once, I wish that if I never listened to my Mom (Jerry) again, I had listened to her just this once. I fell head over heels with a country boy, a boy that my Daddy would swoon over, and that he did and so did I. We dated for a year, within that year, I was happy, in love, but confused with this thing called love, being that he was 4 years older, he was more experienced with this thing they called love and I wanted it, even if it meant giving up my innocence.

I gave him my innocence, once willing, the other times, I screamed inside, STOP. But no one could hear my plea! My mother found out about the times he hit me, the times I wanted him to stop and he didn't, I had suddenly changed from this innocent girl to this woman, I had no innocence. It hurt, I hurt, my Daddy did nothing, not even a word, a look...he let it be. What was going on? My Daddy was my hero, he was suppose to rise against this awful man and take this pain away from me, because, thats what little girl's believe their Daddy's do. My brother went into a rage. He wanted him dead, but protecting me was more important to him, they exchanged words and the cowboy went away and never returned, Thank God. So with many therapy sessions, I finally accepted that what that cowboy did to me was wrong and I deserved to be respected as the woman I was becoming and I tried to move on, but I had been scarred. So scarred that the only love I could find was the boys who hurt me and wouldn't love me back.

So finally I turned 16 and the road was mine, I was finally free. So I dated a couple different people, that turned out to be heartbreakers, but there was that last guy that turned my head and made my heart beat like a million beats per second. Someone Daddy wouldn't totally approve of, he was 20 and in college, he was my bad boy. He was my first kiss and the man I knew I was going to be with....Forever. Finally I had found that someone, that treated me with the respect everyone was telling me about.....he picked me up when I fell, he helped me dust my self off and healed my wounds.

My Daddy was that man, that I could trust, I loved with everything, he was the one man who had all my respect. He was the only man that hadn't broken my heart into thousands of little peices. My junior year, I was thriving, in love, and having the best time of my life with this amazing guy..then my world came tumbling down around, everything I knew to be a true love and strong tower, came crumbling on top of my head. My father had cheated, cheated? What did that mean, I lost all sense of what that meant, my father....the one who showed all respect towards my mother, the home maker...the one that waited on him hand and foot for 28 years...how could this happen, she loved him with everything, she put her life on hold and treated him like a king....everything he ever told me was a lie. He lied, how can a man you love, respect and trust so much, hurt someone so bad....leave them with nothing.

They finally divorced the summer of my Senior year....he wasn't living with us, but with my Maw Maw across the pasture, I could look out my kitchen window and see him, my heart hurt, i felt abandoned. I invited him to my graduation, he promised he would be there, I never seen him that night, I was like a little girl again, after a dance recital, waiting for my Daddy to run to me and tell me how beautiful and how amazing I was, but he never even showed. I was yet broken again. 2 days after graduation, I moved 18 hours away from the pain, hurt, and everything I ever knew, to be with the ONE man, who had loved me more than anyone ever did, he was my safecover, he was a bridge that could hold me up in the strongest of all storms....finally, I had found what dreams were really made of....

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